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An Abundance of Strawberries

by Julia Brown

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1.
I don't want to miss you but I already do for all I know it's already in you every day spent on the couch Law & Order SVU it's true, it's TruTV for all I know it's in me I know sometimes I can't leave my bed I know I've sung it again & again I’ve tried to make a deal with God it kills me when I can't make you feel loved she wants to die by an abundance of strawberries though we don't talk anymore that stuck with me all these years apart and when I want to die I think about an abundance of strawberries I will lie down & sleep in strawberries I know I haven't lived so well I've tried to own up to it now I just want to make a deal with God I just want a better life for my mom
2.
Snow Day 02:29
snow day 2005 pick me up from school hold me in your basement your brother has guns he showed me them your brother does drugs he gave me some you call me a --- in front of your friends but you whipped someone with a chain all cause they hit me you looked like you loved me out in the snow  
3.
are you coming home? have you been losing weight again? does your mother know that you’re skin and bones? does your mother know those things you do when you’re all alone in bed? have you heard from him? did you tell your mom all about him? would she be alarmed? what he put in your arm has no place there but I don’t really mind I think about you all the time does your mother care you cut off your hair? does your mother care you spent a year all alone in bed?
4.
this world could have been so many things and so could I is this resignation right? don't show my teeth, don't call that phone a mechanical fantasy come to life bright pink, again and again riding his bike in the rain long coat flowing out behind him and you sing ‘I think I'll move back to the country’ well you won't, you'll get a job at the mall and maybe I won't get a job at all I like to think it could bring me back if I lie facedown on the couch for long enough spaced out, pumped full of dilaudid again I could still feel as much as I like to think I used to feel then but in truth I never felt that much and it's just the first twenty five or so spring days of the year that bring me back there now and then it's gone  
5.
what's the point of the leaves changing colors if I can't watch them change with you? you know that I’d do something just as drastic to spend this fall with you cause everyday that I spend without you is just a waste of time what’s the point of going out for coffee I don't want to drink it without you? I'd give up everything I love to lie beside you cause there's nothing I love close to you everyday that I spend without you is just a waste of time  
6.
Abby's Song 02:40
sometimes I feel like a bird in a scott walker song I press my head against the wall but sometimes the house looks like the way I like I am an angry meteor under a black sky you can feel forgotten by God so wake up at night walk across the lawn fall into my arms in my arms you are an angry meteor you are coming from far away
7.
you can always hear birds morning or night the sun setting or rising outside I wake up with the red the fall's across my face think I'll watch a movie today summer storms are gone no more blackened skies water boiling on the stove when are you coming home? you could be my monolith we'll put a little machine deep inside your chest & then just like in my dreams we'll always grow older but never really die
8.
bless this ugly heart so I can love you like I want if you don’t want that that’s fine I can do this all my life take the things you want so I can feel some way you want do I feel some way you don’t I won’t know I built something good it exists inside my head just like everything it wont exist outside my dreams  
9.
Loved 03:48
they're building houses now by the road the old stone church and kids selling coke the bluest sky I've ever seen the cemetery filled with burning leaves I don't want to find anyone else to waste my time a flightless bird though not by choice on the side of the road with both wings cut off another bird found by the lake its severed head lying two feet away death comes to claim what its loved the most you know I've loved this world too much when death comes to claim what I've loved the most you'll know I've loved this world so much  
10.
The body descends, I should have let it the strongest love I’ve felt in my life she said 'I was born into this life to suffer and suffer I will but if you had to do it all again without knowing you'd make it through do you think you'd make it? no, I don't think I would' my heart is the leaves my body the trees & it's Halloween Two thousand eight I'm strung out again my body descends & I’m having this dream every night a room with a view a room with some light a stoic front porch some mountains outside. I am what I’m not, my problems are God's when the body descends, we both sit and watch & the strongest love I've felt in my life rises up from the dark to pull me aside & across the room & out in the hall & outside my house & out in the yard
11.
I want this love eternal I don't care for my soul when the lights go out for good will you kiss me still I’d do anything to keep that weight off you but if it drags me down will you kiss me still I’ve been clean since the night we first met but when I go back to dope will you kiss me still I don't want to lie here alone will you lie beside me now & kiss me still all I want in life is to wilt in your love when it all turns into dust will you kiss me still if no more beauty comes until the day I'm dead will it have all been enough will you still feel loved?  
12.
on a roof, wind blows through me and the moon is a cruel reminder that we both tried to find something inside that we thought had died fear divides you & I we both hide from what we feel inside in your room, I fall through you you know I tried to find something inside that could make this alright on the way to your house I see a light pulling me back up into the sky  
13.
Bloom 01:53
I guess this is heaven, I hope it's just like the song at a book fair in fall, alone in a church parking lot it's not art it's something much smaller than that then I felt its bloom, different shades of blue the static swelled in me right, I closed my eyes and wanted to cry it's not art it's something much softer than that it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt and probably ever seen  

about

Credits

All songs written by Sam Ray.
“The way you want” was recorded by Sean Mercer at Mobtown Studios in Baltimore, the rest were recorded by Sam Ray in various states & places.
Additional instrumentation -
Caroline White – Vocals on ‘All alone in bed’, ‘Loved’, ‘The body descends’, ‘Possession’, & ‘Closing (on a roof)’. Viola on ‘Loved’, ‘The body descends’, and ‘Closing’. Trumpet & French Horn on ‘The body descends’
Abby Trunfio – Vocals on ‘Abby’s song’ & ‘Closing (on a roof)’ Cello on ‘Closing’.
John Toohey – Drums on ‘All alone in bed’, Vocals on ‘Possession’
Alec Simke – Bass on ‘All alone in bed’
Warren Hildebrand – Vocals on ‘Possession’ and ‘The body descends’.
Francesca Blume – Vocals on ‘The way you want’
Alex Giannascoli wrote & recorded the coda on ‘Possession’
Artwork by Colleen Wynn
Mastered by Warren Hildebrand



I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God
More in number than the hairs of my head are those who hate me without cause; mighty are those who would destroy me, those who attack me with lies. What I did not steal must I now restore?
O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.
Let not those who hope in you be put to shame through me, O Lord God of hosts; let not those who seek you be brought to dishonor through me
For it is for your sake that I have borne reproach, that dishonor has covered my face.
I have become a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my mother’s sons.
For zeal for your house has consumed me.

credits

released January 15, 2016

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